


The Bulma Briefs Show

by DelDarling (TauntingTyrant)



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone is watching this and putting their own two cents in, Goku and Gohan get roasted hard, Goten is a dumbass, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mpreg, NO ONE IS WITHOUT SIN, PICCOLO COMES OUT OF HIS FOREST TO SHAME MANKIND, Talk Shows, This fic can't take itself seriously but THE CAST WILL, Trunks is a ho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 05:26:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17522732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TauntingTyrant/pseuds/DelDarling
Summary: In which the baby daddy drama gets to be too much, so Bulma takes matters into her hands. With a blood test and her new talk show kicking off, Trunks' (as well as said baby daddies) dirty laundry is aired out. Everyone roasts either Goku or Gohan, and chaos reigns on the stage. This is the spectacle everyone's tuning into at the Bulma Briefs Show!





	The Bulma Briefs Show

**Author's Note:**

> So. Discord was a primary inspiration for this. 
> 
> Needless to say, Bulma having a talk show to roast the Sons and her own son on air is very hilarious and I had to write it. Thanks to my beta and co-author for helping me with the Piccolo and Videl parts as well as others.
> 
> (This isn't an ending to Who's Your Daddy btw. Just some mindless fun I had to indulge in.)
> 
> Let this insane show start!

Bulma Briefs was one of the smartest (if not THE smartest) minds on Earth.

People knew her as the former President of Capsule Corp. Many speculated that she stepped down as President to give way to her heir, her son Trunks Briefs, to step in.

However, little did many know that her reasons for stepping down… They were a little unconventional.

She stood by the stage with a notecard in hand and wearing her best business casual outfit as she smiled towards the clapping crowd.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” she introduced, “Welcome to the worst show on television. The Bulma Briefs Show!” The crowd began cheering wildly, before calming down to let her speak.

“This evening, we’re having a very personal and special event,” she began, “It involves an incident that really, really affects my personal life. And I’m going to show it all in television!” The crowd cheered some more, some even whistling and hollering in excitement.

“We have here what could be the biggest baby daddy drama the world has ever seen,” she continued, “Please give it up for Trunks Briefs!”

“Mom, what the fuck?!”

A lavender haired boy walks into the stage. He’s holding a violet haired child in his arms, glaring towards his mother. The people cheer for him, and some ‘aww’ at the sight at the little girl looking around the stage in curiosity. However, as the people notice, they were a weird bunch, as tails the same color as their hair flicked around behind them. Trunks’ tail stiffened in both annoyance and nervousness while his daughter’s twitched every minute or so.

Bulma looked towards her granddaughter in confusion, and remarked, “Isn’t Camie supposed to be-?”

“No!” he yelled, “I’m not leaving her in the hands of some strangers! What they kidnap her or hurt her?!”

Bulma pretty much knew that Camie was pretty strong for someone her age. Hell, the ten month old had already learned to fly on her own already! But Trunks’ beta instincts weren’t going to allow him to willingly separate himself from his daughter, so the little girl, despite her strength, was always by her “mother’s” side. She didn’t seem to mind, though, seeing as she too wasn’t willing to part from Trunks for too long.

Fine. It didn’t really matter. She had to a show to run.

Trunks sat down on the couch, with Camie bouncing in his lap. He looked up at his mother in confusion as she approached him with her microphone in hand. “So, Trunks, what brings you here to my show?”

He narrowed his eyes. “You forced me to come on here, Mom.”

Bulma laughed awkwardly, before slapping him behind the head. “ _We don’t mention that!_ ” she whispered, “ _Now, stick to the script!_ ”

He rubbed the sore spot with annoyance, before beginning, “I used to experiment around with my best friend…” he began, pink tinting his cheeks, “...and we hit it off quick. We were kind of like some sort of boyfriends before he tried convincing me to sleep with his older brother for his birthday-”

The crowd booed.

“-and I agreed! The man hadn’t had sex for like a decade!” he exclaimed, “So I slept with him, and it turns out that he was _amazing_ at sex. So…...I kind of went back and forth between them, before I had the stupid idea to sleep with their father!”

The crowd ‘ohhh-ed’ in interest, before Trunks continued, “So then he turns out to be good in bed as well! I went back and forth with the three of them and somehow I got pregnant with no clue on who was the father!”

The crowd ‘oohhh’-ed again, eating up the drama. Bulma smiled again before announcing, “And that’s why we’re here, today, folks! We’re to figure out who is the father of Trunks’ baby-” and she gestured to the little girl on his lap, “-the adorable little girl who has most definitely inherited her grandma’s genes, Camie!”

The crowd cheered and whooped again. Camie looked at them, completely confused. It didn’t mean that she wasn’t eating up the attention, however, as she reached her chubby little arms towards them.

“Well, backstage,” Bulma announced, “We have the three potential fathers. A pair of young men and-” her face darkened briefly and remarked, “ _ **-a sexual deviant who I used to call my best friend.**_ ”

The crowd booed (including a woman with dark hair tied into a bun) and one could hear a man complaining about the label Bulma placed on him backstage.

“Please welcome the Son family members: Goten, Gohan and Goku!”

As soon as the three men walked into the stage, the crowd began booing at the sight of them, calling them names and yelling at them for the drama caused. Goten and Gohan ignored the jeers, but Goku sure didn’t, looking visibly nervous as he sat next to his eldest son.

Meanwhile, Vegeta stayed at home with Mirai Trunks. Gallons of rocky road ice cream were around them, and the shorter man was currently digging into another one as he was fully entranced with the talk show. The lavender haired looked at him curiously, and remarked, “Father, how come you didn’t go with Mom to her talk show?”

“Because she knows I’m going to wreck shit on stage if I’m even near those three buffoons,” he answered, shoveling another spoonful of rocky road into his mouth, “They’re not worthy of fucking my son, especially when they’ve haven’t even courted him yet.”

Mirai raised an eyebrow, and Vegeta glared towards him. “What? I am at least _trying_ to be better with this whole parenting business.” He shoveled another spoonful into his mouth again, before pointing towards Goku’s nervous expression. “See? He’s not even fucking worthy of being with your present self. He’s showing his true colors on TV.”

“Is it because you still pine for him, Father?”

Vegeta growled, and moved onto the next bucket of rocky road. “Your mother once told me that men aren’t shit to my face. Now I get what she means.” He shoveled another spoonful inside of his mouth, and Mirai took that as his cue to lean off the subject. The two men sat on the couch with their eyes trained on the TV show as the drama unfolded.

“Now, normally, many men come in here for the chance to prove that they’re not the father,” Bulma continued, “But not these three! They have agreed to come onto this show to prove who is the actual father of Camie!”

The crowd cheered, and Bulma handed over the mic towards Goten.

The messy haired boy took it and began, “Uh...hi. I’m Goten, and I’m here to prove that I’m the father because I was with Trunks the longest.” He glared over to Goku and Gohan, and continued, “I was the one who he spent the most time with, and if it weren’t for you two dicks, he would’ve still been with me!” The crowd ‘ooh-ed’ again, and began cheering for him.

“But you gave him to me-” Gohan began, before Bulma slapped him from the back of his head.

“ _Let him speak!_ ” she hissed, and nodded towards the younger boy to continue.

Goten pointed to Camie. “Look at her! Don’t tell me that she doesn’t look exactly like me!” The violet haired girl looked at him curiously for a moment, before the crowd began cheering for him louder. He dropped the mic and went back to his chair. “That is all.”

Bulma narrowed her eyes towards him, and went to pick up the mic. “I’d appreciate if you didn’t drop the mic like that again. This equipment is expensive!”

“But you’re the richest woman in the world.”

“Still!” she yelled, and handed the mic over to Gohan. “Now, what’s your situation with Trunks?”

He glanced over to Goten, and said, “He’s not nearly as innocent as he makes himself out to be. He willingly handed his boyfriend over for my birthday.”

The crowd ‘ohhh’-ed in response, and began booing for Goten.

“It isn’t my fault that Trunks liked me better,” he continued, “Or why else would he be constantly seeking me out behind your back?”

The crowd ‘ohhh’’-ed again, starting to cheer for Gohan instead.

“I say I’m the father because I’m the better lover of out of these two. It couldn’t have been anybody else but me,” he proclaimed, “I made sure to cum inside him at least thrice during our encounters.”

Trunks turned red. “Gohan!”

Goten and Goku both glared at the man with glasses, while Bulma tapped her foot impatiently.

“You still haven’t introduced yourself.”

“I’m Gohan. The _actual_ father of Camie Briefs.”

The crowd cheered for him, while Bulma took away the mic from him. “Okay...now for the last father to be-” her face darkened, “ _ **-the sexual deviant.**_ ”

The crowd booed, and Goku looked even more nervous at being here. “Hey, Bulma,” he remarked, “He was over 18…”

She snarled at him, and hissed, “ _You were 30 years his senior._ ”

“I’m not a senior!” he yelled, “Your son jumped me!”

“And you shouldn’t have indulged him!” she yelled, “You were the goddamn elder! Don’t you have any sense in that brain of yours?!” She threw the mic to his head, but it didn’t phase him much. He picked it up, and began, “Uh...hey? My name’s Goku.”

The crowd booed, and Goku shrunk back into his seat.

“I’m here because I believe I’m Camie’s dad…” he continued, and lifted a hand towards the back of his head, “See, Trunks never really spent his heats around us. And from what Vegeta told me, that’s when you can have babies. But then he says he’s pregnant, because he somehow managed to outside of it, and I kinda think I’m the father…”

The crowd still booed him.

“But only because I think I had enough power to actually get him pregnant outside of the heats. I don’t think either of my sons actually would be able to do that.”

-

“You know, I used to believe that the Son family were this sickeningly wholesome bunch,” Roshi began, while looking at the television, “Then Goku split up with Chichi, and it turns out that he’s been fucking Bulma’s brat behind her back!” He sniggered. “I haven’t seen drama like this in decades!”

“You know, Chichi told me that it wasn’t because her ex was fucking Trunks behind her back that she split,” 18 corrected, “It was because she decided to take the reins in her life, and leave the man to do his own thing. Turns out his own thing was fucking his youngest son’s best friend.” She looked towards the TV as well. “Then again, my life hasn’t been this exciting in a while.”

Krillin remained silent, not wanting to slander his best friend. He knew Goku meant well at times, but the man was a total buffoon. Could’ve it been because of the recent split up that led to him making bad choices and then snowballing into this situation? Who knows. Anything about Trunks’ and Goku’s encounters came straight from either person’s mouth, and no one was sure on who to believe.

Then again, Trunks did say it was his fault for getting himself involved with the oldest Son male, but he wasn’t saying anything now that he was in front of a crowd. Coward.

“Aw!” Marron remarked, “Trunks’ baby is so cute! Look at her!” The teenage girl pointed to the sight of the violet haired baby in Trunks’ lap.

The little girl was still looking around confusedly, with her big black eyes looking up towards her mother or towards her prospective fathers. She was weirdly calm in the chaos, surprisingly enough.

“I thought she was going to be named something weird knowing Bulma,” Krillin commented, “But she has a normal name.”

“Oh no,” 18 responded, “Bulma originally wanted her to be named Bra. But then Trunks stepped in, said he wasn’t going to name her that, and named her Camie. After camisole. So they still kept to their weird naming theme.”

“Huh. Things never change then.”

Meanwhile, a certain green-skinned Namekian was also tuning into the talk show.

Chi-Chi had given him an abridged version of the events that occurred, before Bulma went about trying to get him to at least make an appearance in the audience. Naturally, he declined.

“Hmph. That’s not a fight _I’ll_ be joining.” He sat cross legged, cape swaying as he hovered over his chair. None of the people around him paid mind to this strange display, the bigger part West City having tuned into what was to be the biggest spectacle of the year. Words couldn’t describe the level of disappointment he felt in both his former pupils and friend. He’d truly expected better of the Earth’s heroes.

On the flip-side… You couldn’t pay for entertainment like this… Not until today.

He’d bet all the zeni he had (note: he didn’t have any. Being an alien who lived in the woods) on the father being Goten.

-

“Bullshit!” Goten yelled, “This has nothing to do with power levels, dad!”

“You’re only saying that because you’re the weakest out of all of us,” Gohan snarked back.

Goten turned towards him to anger. “You shut the fuck up! You haven’t been training seriously for a long time!” he yelled, “I have, and I’m positive I’m stronger than you!”

Gohan smirked. “Prove it.”

“Hey,” Bulma got in between them, “No fighting! I don’t want my stage decimated because you two can’t control yourselves!”

“Also, if a stray blast even grazes Camie,” Trunks growled out, “I’m killing and dismembering the two of you. Sit your asses down.” Both alphas visibly flinch at Trunks’ tone, and sit on their respective chairs. Goku, even if he didn’t stand up, remained firmly sitting into his seat.

“So those are our three prospective fathers,” Bulma announced, after being handed another microphone by the crew, “We have a stupid child who truly loves his boyfriend-”

 

“EX-boyfriend!” Trunks yelled.

“-An arrogant prick who used to be a sweet boy back in the day, and a sexual deviant who doesn’t realize that just because someone begs you to sleep with them, doesn’t mean you should go with them!” The crowd cheered, and Bulma flashed her megawatt smile.

“Now, let’s get some opinions from the audience, starting with a person who is very close to the three fathers, Miss Chichi!” The crowd whooped, and Bulma handed the mic over to a (surprise surprise,) vaguely annoyed Chichi. She nodded at Bulma, and began.

“I have spent a good chunk of my life taking care of these boys,” she said, “And frankly, I’m extremely disappointed. I can’t believe that the three of them would ever do something so horrible as to end up on a talk show!” The crowd booed in support, and she continued, “I used to be married to Goku. He was positively the sweetest man I’ve ever met, and yet...he had the gall to sleep with a child!”

The crowd oooh-ed, and Goku piped up, “Hey, he was 19! He was an adult!”

“He was a child!” she yelled back, “And your youngest son’s best friend! You’ve known him since he was eight years old, and you still slept with him knowing that!” She huffed, and turned towards Gohan. “And you! I raised you to be a respectful man! How dare you talk about Trunks and your brother like that to the public! Mr. ‘I made sure to cum into him thrice’!”

Gohan turned red and looked away from his mother with clear embarrassment.

“As for you,” she remarked to Goten, “You should know better than to offer your boyfriend up to your older brother. It’s why situations like these happen!”

Goten looked down. “Sorry, Ma…”

“Anyway, on the subject of the father,” she remarked, “I’m in full support of my youngest, Goten. Apart from his stupid mistake, at least he was willing to own up to it like he should be. Not to mention that he isn’t _nine or thirty_ years older than Trunks.” She glared over to her oldest and her ex, and remarked, “You sick freaks.” She handed the mic over to Bulma, and the blue haired woman chuckled nervously.

“That’s Chichi, everybody!” she announced, and walked over towards the stage.

“We’ve got some strong words off the bat folks, but I guarantee you’re gonna wanna hang onto your seats! Next up we have a good friend, and an old flame for Gohan here. Give it up for Ms. Videl Satan!” The crowd roared in anticipation as the daughter of the famous World Champion made her way to the stage. She and Bulma exchanged a quick hug before she made her way to the space closest to the men’s chairs.

Silence.

“Uh, Videl, hey-” The young woman held up her hand, lips pressed into a thin line.

“Save it Gohan. When I’m ready to scream at you, I’ll let you know.” All three of the Son men steeled themselves, openly worried by this turn of events. If any a time for Goten, Gohan and Goku to agree to something on this day, now was perfect. The consensus?

Videl was about to tear her ex-boyfriend a new one.

“Tell me something, guys. When’s the last time you saw this little girl?” An image came up on the projection screen, drawing the eyes of the audience. In the picture was a girl around the age of 6, her facial features a dead ringer for her father. She was wearing a little karate gi, a smile on her face.

Goku was the first to speak.

“Well she was- Um. Well… Ah, I don’t know, sorry.”

“Me neither, Videl…” Goten said sheepishly.

“Exactly, _exactly._ Now, I want Gohan specifically to answer the question. **When** was the last time you saw _your daughter_ , Gohan?”

“.... Two or three weeks ago.”

“When was the last time you **spoke** to her?”

“The same amount of time.” Now the audience _really_ began to boo, words like ‘deadbeat’, ‘child abandonment’ and ‘HOW COULD YOU? SHE’S JUST A BABY!” floating around the studio space. Gohan could see the disappointment on his friends and family’s faces around him, heightening the guilt he felt. “And no, you didn’t stop me from reaching out or coming by…”

“Then why, Gohan? Why didn’t you come see your daughter? Did you know that you missed her first martial arts demo? That she and her team got first place?”

“I don’t know, and I didn’t know.”

“Well guess freaking what! I know! I know exactly why our daughter hasn’t seen you in so long, and you know what’s even worse? What matters more than me being here and grilling you on your dumbassary is that SHE KNOWS! Pan knows, Gohan! And she’s HERE, watching **YOU!** ” Everyone’s eyes turned to the entryway as Pan was walked into the room by Chi-Chi, the young girl rubbing her eyes. It was very clear that she’d been crying before she was brought out. Her grandmother rubbed her back, murmuring encouragements that were inaudible to those who weren’t on the stage.

“Videl, she shouldn’t be here!”

“No Gohan, YOU shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t have had to come see you on live television to actually talk to you.” Videl then walked over to her daughter, giving the little girl a hug. After a few moments of comfort, she handed the mic to Pan with a soft “Tell daddy how you feel, sweetie.”

“I-I” She hiccuped, before making a determined face. “I’m really mad at you, daddy! I dunno why you couldn’t figure out this grown up stuff and come be with me. You promised!” Anyone and everyone who was listening could feel their hearts breaking as the little one struggled to hold herself together.

“Pan I’m sorry I-”

“You promised and you broke it! You told me that promises are made of stronger stuff than grampa, and you broke it!” Now her eyes were watering again, tears threatening to spill over. “Now you’re on TV to get another baby... Y-y-you don’t love me anymooore!!” She wailed, before being hauled up into Videl’s arms.

“And that’s all I have to say to you, Gohan.” And with that, she and Pan left. If looks could kill, Gohan would be in otherworld.

“If you treat your first daughter like that,” Trunks hissed, “I’m not sure I’d even let you near mine, you asshole. It doesn’t matter if you’re the actual father.” Gohan’s face fell completely. That was the nail in the ever-growing coffin he built for himself.

“... If that’s your choice, I’ll respect it.” He said quietly, before continuing. “But if if it’s okay with you, I’d still like to know.” There was an air of disagreement about the room, murmurs floating around the audience members as they weighed in on whether or not he’d suffered enough.

“Dare I say we leave this up to the viewers?” Bulma chimed back in, drawing the attention of everyone with her trademark charisma. “Does Gohan here deserve to know whether or not he fathered another child? Or should he just hit the road and focus on the daughter he has? I’ll leave that to you!”

The heiress gave the signal to cut for a commercial break, turning to her ‘guests’.

“Alright, let’s weigh in. Are you guys gonna make it until the end?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that, after everything that just happened.”

“C’mon Gohan--”

“No, Bulma. What are we doing here, really? Why are we fighting over this when it’s clear we all messed up?” The older woman shrugged.

“That’s for you all to find out. You couldn’t solve it among yourselves, so this is the pressure you need to fix your shit.”

“I don’t get it.” Goku said, scratching the back of his head.

“Can it, traitor. I’m still mad at you.”

“Oh come on, Bulma!”

“Not all of that was for reality drama, Goku. You really hurt my feelings, pulling that shit. And you Goten, I expected more sense from you! Your mother taught you better than that.”

“Says the one who’s exploiting our personal drama for views! All you’re doing is getting on us for the fact you didn’t teach Trunks better! If anyone should share the blame here it’s you.” He snarked, gesturing to the host. Trunks stood up, and glared over to Goten, and piped up,

“Excuse you?! Who had the great idea of handing me over to your older brother?! I was against it from the start!”

“Now you listen here you little fu--”

“Um, Miss Briefs?” Her assistant called meekly, trying not to get wedged into the rising tension. “W-we’re ready to go live again…”

She pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration, glaring at her son’s ex-boyfriend.

“We’ll settle this later, kid. But right now it looks like you’re back in the hot seat. Try not to put your foot in your mouth.” She turned back to the camera people, throwing on her game face for the next round of chaos as she signaled for the feed to resume.

“Welcome back to The Bulma Briefs Show! A little birdy told me that you’re all ready to weigh in, is that right?” The loud cheers confirmed her inquiry.

“Now, all in opposition of Gohan knowing if his 3 strikes were out, speak now!” There was a decent amount of response from the crowd, jeers from more of the civilian audience bouncing off the walls. But there was a distinct lack of ‘boom’ in the volume.

Which means…

“All in favor, make some noise!” The remaining audience members let out a resounding whoop.

“That settles it! Gohan, you get to keep your discretion privileges. Thank your friends and family for being merciful on your heathenous soul.”

“Thanks, guys. I mean it.”

“Well,” Goten remarked, “It was a shitty thing you did to Pan. You really gotta apologize to her after this shitshow is over.”

“I will,” Gohan responded solemnly, and looked towards the audience.

Camie looked towards him curiously, and reached out her arms towards Gohan. She gurgled and made some sort of chirp, making the older man turn to her. She giggled once he turned to see her, but Trunks tried shielding her from him, much to Gohan’s annoyance.

Looked like Goten.

Had Gohan’s mannerisms.

And had the potential to be immensely powerful like Goku.

Camie’s paternity was a real mystery, indeed. She displayed small facets of either potential father, yet Trunks knew it could be only one person. Her tiny violet tail swished side to side, and her attention was on one of the fathers. She tried to wiggle out of Trunks’ grasp, but he kept her firmly in his lap.

Trunks pursed his lips. ‘ _If I let her go…_ ’ he thought, ‘ _Would she find her true father on her own? Dad did say that sometimes Saiyan children find out the identity of their father through scent alone…_ ’ He looked towards the three fathers worryingly before adjusting his daughter on his lap. ‘ _No. Then what was being on this show for?_ ’

“We still got more people willing to speak in this matter!” Bulma announced, “Please give it up for Tien Shinhan!” She spotted the three eyed man in the crowd, and chucked her microphone at him. Much to the crowd’s astonishment, he caught the microphone effortlessly with his hand, and brought it to his lips. “Thank you, Bulma.”

He glared over towards Trunks.

“I know everyone is shaming Goku because he slept with Trunks. I get it, he shouldn’t have, but the man sometimes doesn’t know right from wrong sometimes. Or at least, his morality is kind of fuzzy,” he began, “But honestly, I believe Goku only even bothered to sleep with Trunks is because he resembles daddy dearest a little too much. If Trunks looked more like Bulma, Goku wouldn’t have even bothered to comply out of respect for his mother.” The crowd oooh-ed in response.

“All I’m saying is that how matter how much he paints himself as innocent, Trunks did still spread his legs. Seems like he can’t keep them together, either, regarding Goten and Gohan.” The crowd went _**wild**_ , and the camera was straight on the lavender haired boy.

Trunks began to turn red in anger, and glared over to the three eyed man. “You want to repeat that again, baldy?!”

He smirked. “Goku only slept with you because he thinks you are a substitute for Vegeta. After all, he is too much of a tightass in let anyone in, while _you_ grow wet from Goku even looking at you.” Trunks stood up from his seat, handed Camie off to a surprised looking Goten (and the little girl began sniffing him and the nearby Gohan out of curiosity) and tried to march over towards the audience. Bulma looked over to Trunks and called out, “Hey! Don’t go killing the audience members, Trunks!”

“He slandered me!” he argued, pointing towards Tien with his hand, “I have the right to!”

“But is he wrong?” Gohan responded, “You did spend the last few months going between three guys at once. And don’t you deny it, either, because you’re really aren’t innocent as you make yourself to be.”

“Sit your ass down, Trunks,” Bulma ordered him, “Or you’ll be sorry.” Trunks looked torn between going towards Tien and killing him or going back to his seat, and he chose the latter. However, he still turned towards him and made and ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. He picked up Camie from Goten, and went back to his seat with her in his lap again.

(He was going to ignore how she got a little fussy when he separated her from Goten.)

“He’s right,” Goku admitted, “I kind of did sleep with you because of that. But it was only a minor reason!”

Trunks snapped towards Goku. “Wow,” he hissed out, “Just when you can’t disappoint me any further, Goku. I thought you loved me.”

“I do!” Goku shouted, and stood up, “But initially, I was...eh…”

Trunks narrowed his eyes at him. “Oh, so just you can’t get with my dad, you decide to use me as a substitute?”

“Hey,” he argued back, “You told me that you used to think of me as Goten when we fucked.” The crowd let out an ‘Oohh’ in response “And don’t lie either!” he exclaimed, “You were the one to go after me first! I just agreed to whatever you wanted after you begged me for sex like fifteen times!”

Goten turned to Trunks. “Dude,” he said, “We were still fucking. Why the fuck did you-”

“I don’t know!” he screamed, “I was a stupid kid then!”

“ _As my father stressed earlier,_ ” Gohan added, “You were an adult then. No kid would try to go after their best friend’s/boyfriend’s father while still dating said best friend/boyfriend.”

“Fuck you, Gohan!” Trunks screamed, “You tried getting with me while ignoring your daughter in the process!”

“That was my mistake,” he admitted, “And I regret it. A lot. But you don’t get to act like some sort of saint when you knowingly involved yourself into this mess. You went back to me after the birthday sex. You could’ve just left at that and went back to Goten, yet you decided to do the exact opposite.” Now Trunks was really getting upset. Having your failures thrown back in your face was one thing, but to have all eyes on him as his bad judgement calls were reversed on him was, kinda sucky.

Now he had an idea of how the Son boys felt. But parental instinct prohibited him from feeling too much sympathy.

“Ooh, it’s getting pretty touchy in here, all the different opinions and perspectives floating around. I think what we might need is a fresh view. Let’s see how another one of our friends in the audience sees the situation.” She whistled to a man with untamed hair, chucking the mic (the third one already) at him expectantly. Yamcha fumbled, but caught it.

“Oh god, not you...” Trunks muttered hopelessly.

“Hey, I know I’m no psychiatrist, but like. I’m definitely getting major daddy issue vibes from you Trunks. Why else would you go after someone’s dad? I mean, the dude was rebounding off a major divorce. With the door open, you got to jump at the opportunity to run away from whatever was wrong with your dating life.”

“This is freaking rich, coming from the guy who couldn’t even make it with my mom.”

“Fine, I didn’t make it with Bulma! And she married a hotter, smarter, angrier dude. But you know what I didn’t do because I was bored? Fuck her dad.” Yamcha sarcastically made a little salute before passing the mic back to the aforementioned Briefs woman. Trunks grew red again, but a look from Bulma stopped him again.

“Huh. A blast from the past and a scathing commentary about my son’s deep seated emotional issues. Today’s show really is bringing it all out in the open!” She wiped the metaphorical sweat from her brow, before walking back to the stage.

“Now we’re really closing in on this shindig… But before we move to the final segment, we’re going to engage the audience a different way. Call 1-800-Bulma for a chance to state your opinion on the show, live! And remember boys and girls, be Brief!” She winked.

A cute little phone symbol popped onto one of the screens not even minutes later.

“Oh, there goes our first caller! Tell us what your name is and how YOU feel about this baby daddy drama!”

“You know who I am, and if you don’t then that’s your problem. Let me cut to the chase here. I’ve known Goten and Trunks since they were runts. They ate together, trained together and napped together. By the time they were adults, it was pretty obvious that the two were going to end up having sex. But I swear on the Earth’s Guardian, Gohan. For all those brains your mom stuffed into you, you are clueless. Or maybe you knew _exactly_ what you were doing, getting it on with the guy your little brother was not only doing, but in a relationship with. I must’ve hit you in the head so many times as a kid that your sense of right and wrong is completely reversed!” Some of the audience members snickered, completely tickled by the savagery of the Namekian.

“What you need to do is get your shit together, because if I have to hear your daughter tell me everything she should be telling you ONE more time, I’m going to remind you of why they once called me **DEMON KING!** And _YOU_ Goku, don’t even get me started! I was coughed out and hatched from an egg and even I know what’s wrong with fucking the kid of my closest friend.!”

“Hey! He begged for it!” Goku yelled, “It’s not my fault that he grew up to be a slut!”

“Don’t call my baby a slut!” Bulma yelled, ready to chuck her third microphone at the saiyan, “You were the idiot who still agreed to have sex with him! You have no say!”

“And Bulma, don’t think you’re not getting out of this one without some talking to. Do you know what your darling little granddaughter is going to have to hear in school? ‘Oh that’s the runt who was on that rinky dink talk show’ and ‘your dad must SUCK!’, so shame on you for this vapid spectacle!”

Bulma flinched at the savagery being flung her way, before she settled on anger.

“Oh, like you can talk Piccolo! You didn’t even bother to tell these knuckleheads all of this. Oh no mister, you don’t get to act all brave when you’re not even here to deliver this read! You’re tuning in like everyone else you— vulture!”

“I’m a slug, for your information.”

“Whatever! You’re still a hypocrite!”

“A hypocrite who lacks baby daddy drama.” She could just hear the smirk through the phone.

“That’s a low blow and you know it!”

“But he’s got a point, Bulma!” Yelled Yamcha from the stands. “Remember that whole debacle with Trunks? You were all like, _‘Vegeta couldn’t have been the father, he told me that his dynamic only gave birth to babies!’_ and guess what, he was the father!”

“Water under the bridge! Now back to the subject at hand! Give it up for Demon King Piccolo everybody! The green giant in a cape if he’s watching in public right now, can’t miss him!”

“That was a cheap shot.”

“I fight to win, Pic’. See you at brunch.”

“Hmph.” And with that he hung up.

-

“Honestly, this is getting out of hand,” Mirai remarked, pulling out his cellphone, “I really need to give them a piece of my mind.”

“Go for it, boy,” Vegeta said from the kitchen, “I’m just going to find that last tub of rocky road.”

Around the couch were already about thirty some tubs of rocky road. Mirai was growing very annoyed by his father’s sudden sloppy habits, and tried to push away as much trash away from him possible. Sounds of the fridge could be heard, and Mirai held the phone up to his ear as he stared intently at the TV.

“And there is our second caller! Tell us your name, sweetie, and of what you think of this whole situation!”

“Hey mom, it’s Mirai. Yeah, I’m just really disappointed that this situation came to be.”

Trunks groaned. Great, now his future self was going to shame him as well. Camie looked up curiously at the voice, confused on how her mother could talk from the roof speakers. It was rather funny, really, how the little girl treated both selves as if they were the same person. (They were, but Trunks didn’t like how his daughter clung to Mirai as if _he_ was the one who was in pain for eighteen hours.)

“Let’s start with Goten, since everyone seems to like shaming Gohan and Goku for their mistakes, but can’t seem to bother blaming the actual instigator of this whole situation.”

Goten looked up in confusion.

“You are single handedly the most stupid man I’ve ever met. You do know that handing your boyfriend to your older brother is a bad idea, right? You can’t ever seem to go, ‘Oh? Maybe I shouldn’t be offering my boyfriend as a birthday present to Gohan, because there would be a chance that he could easily cheat on me right after?’ Really, you should’ve foreseen this outcome, and that the fact that you didn’t should be addressed as well.”

Goten looked down in shame, while Trunks looked towards Goten with an expression that clearly said ‘I told you so’.

“Also, funny enough, Trunks was against it at first. _Your boyfriend_ was really against with the idea to sleep with your brother. It was only after YOU managed to convince him to that he slept with Gohan, decided he liked it before moving onto your father. And now, you’re all here, wondering who’s the father of that little girl sitting with him. Goten, if it turns out you’re the actual father of Camie, and Trunks is willing to take you back, you better keep a tight leash on him. And you better not be committing this kind of stupidity again!”

The crowd cheered, before Mirai continued.

“Gohan. You...you really messed up,” he began, “Let’s start with the one little fact that you took up on Goten’s offer to sleep with Trunks. Nobody seems to acknowledge that either, instead focusing on your rude behavior or neglect on your daughter. Gohan, when Trunks said he was going to sleep with you, why didn’t you confront your brother? Or even deny Trunks the chance to sleep with you? He was against it, then, so it should’ve been easy to turn him down.”

“However…..” Mirai remarked, “I wonder if you slept with him because you thought of someone else? Were you thinking of me when you laid with him, Gohan?”

Silence washed over, before the crowd hmm-ed with interest. Goten and Goku looked over to Gohan, while Trunks raised an eyebrow in question. Even Camie looked at him confusedly, her tail flicking back and forth in question.

“Damn,” one audience member remarked to the person next to him, “This is getting good. Sooner or later someone’s gonna barge in and claim that they also have a baby fathered by one of them!”

“Shhh,” she said, “Don’t jinx it! Who knows what could happen now!”

“Yes…” Gohan admitted, much to the crowd’s surprise, “I did.”

_**( “OOOOH!” )** _

Despite the fact Mirai had speculated, he was thrown for a loop. But he pressed on,

“You know you could’ve talked to me, right? Instead of going to the Son Goku school of substituting your crush’s family members for the actual thing.”

“Hey-!” Goku yelled in the background

“-You make it sound way too easy.” Gohan replies, red tinting his cheeks.

“Or maybe you psyched yourself out. It’s not like you to be such a quitter.”

“I’m sorry, Mirai.”

“I don’t forgive you, but if you get your head out of your ass, we’ll be in touch, okay? I’m still your friend, even if you’ve been a major asshole. Just quit acting like Goku about that power scaling stuff, it’s weird. We’re Saiyans, sure. But we’re human too.”

“I think I can do that.”

“I’m really glad to hear it, Gohan.” Mirai went to hang up.

“Hand me the phone, boy,” Vegeta said on the background, after giving up on his search for the rocky road ice cream (He did however, find a cookies and cream one, so all was well). Mirai looked over to him in surprise, before handing his father the phone.

“Kakarot, you are an _utter idiot_ ,” he hissed. “So you think that you can get away with fucking both me and my son? Does Trunks even know that while you whispered sweet nothings in his ear with him, that you decided to come over to Capsule Corp at night and fuck me?!”

The crowd ohhhed in response, and Trunks walked over to Goku.

“Really?!” he yelled, “So you not only used me as a substitute, but you were also fucking my father behind my back all of this time?! I thought it was only once, Goku!”

“You were fucking my sons behind my back, too!”

“But you knew about it! I didn’t know about this!”

“That doesn’t make it any better!”

Trunks growled, and his tail began stiffening and fluffing out in anger. Which was some sort of spectacle, seeing that the tail was already fluffy in the first place. “You could’ve cut this off,” he muttered, “You’ve could cut this off, told me about it, and I wouldn’t have had any hard feelings over it.”

“Bullshit!” Goten yelled, before Trunks made a snapping motion behind him to shut him up.

“Instead, you decide to go back and forth between us. I’m not going to be surprised if my dad carries your third or fourth kid inside of you, regarding that Camie is even yours,” he hissed.

“Actually,” Vegeta admitted, “I am currently carrying your brat inside me.”

“OOOOOO!”

“Damn!”

“Well, at least we know the father for that one!”

Mirai snapped towards his father in surprise. “You what?!” He nodded in response, and pulled the phone away from him. “I spent a heat with him.”

“Father, you are normally so careful with this kind of stuff!” he exclaimed, “Did you do it on purpose?”

He smirked. “I don’t appreciate other betas moving onto what’s mine.”

“I heard that!” Trunks yelled at the speaker, “And you know what, you can keep him! Clearly, he should’ve gotten the balls to go after you first instead of letting me have his hands on him!” The crowd ooohed louder.

“Oh, he will have _no_ home here! Not unless he cleans up his act. Which I severely doubt he will!”

Everyone had their eyes on a clearly ashamed Goku, who just covered his face with his hands, and slid down the chair. “I just wanna go home now….”

“You brought this on yourself, Dad…” both Goten and Gohan told him, and the older man couldn’t help but moan at his misfortune.

“Anyway, Kakarot, your choice. You fuck up even more and you stay forever alone, or you prove yourself to me and maybe we can figure out what to do with the brat. Because I’m sure Trunks doesn’t even want to touch you again.”

“Well, thats-” the phone call cut off, and Bulma gritted her teeth at Vegeta’s rudeness, “-that was Mirai and Vegeta Briefs. My older son and my housemate.” She smiled again, and announced, “Any more callers?”

For a few minutes, the crowd stayed silent as they waited for anybody else to pop in, before Bulma waved her hand in dismissal. “Well, time to move onto the final segment! The blood test that will determine once and for all: who is Camie Brief’s real father?”

The crowd cheered, and every single person on the stage (excluding Camie, who was figuring out how to reach for her tail and chew on it) looked immensely nervous. An assistant walked over to Bulma with an envelope in hand, and nodded before walking off. She opened the letter, and her eyes widened at the results.

“Mom, what is it?”

“You might want to see this before we announce it.”

Trunks walked over to Bulma, and his blue eyes widened as he read the results as well. “I can’t believe it…” He glared towards Goku. “The absolute worst person on this stage is the goddamn father. Congratulations, Goku! You fucking suck!”

Everyone turned to glare at Goku, who began to sweat in nervousness. “Oh Kami...does that make me a dad and a grandfather at the same time?!” Everyone gritted their teeth at his stupid comment, most especially Goten, who was outright ready to maul his own father, lower power level or not.

Bulma smacked Trunks upside the head with the envelope. “You misread it completely!” she yelled, and announced, “The actual father of Camie Briefs is Son Goten!”

The crowd, who was most definitely on Goten’s side throughout this whole drama fest, cheered. Goku had a clear look of relief written on his face, while Gohan, in complete opposite of how he was earlier, clapped politely for his younger brother. It seemed that out of the three of them, he was the one who (mostly) was without any major deeds committed throughout this whole incident, and therefore, most deserving of being the actual father.

To celebrate the results, Goten got up from the chair, walked away from it and straight up attempted a rather impressive looking backflip with a dab at the end. Trunks narrowed his eyes at him before slapping him upside the head with the envelope. “You’re terrible. Don’t ever do that again.”

“Do what?”

“Attempt that monstrosity again.”

“Show’s over, folks!” Bulma announced, “See you next week in the Bulma Briefs Show!” The crowd roared in response, and the other men got off from their chairs. The security ushered them off backstage, where Bulma met up with them in privacy.

“Well, that answers that one question,” she responded, “Now what will you four do?”

“Leave them to do their own thing,” Gohan responded, “We all agreed that whoever was the father could become Trunks’ mate. Goten won this war, and he gets to keep the spoils. I…” a pained expression bloomed on his face, “....I need to make amends. I need to apologize to  
Pan for this whole situation.”

“And get your moves on Mirai,” Goten cheekily commented, “You two still got a thing going on, don’t you? Maybe you can try getting with him without needing Trunks as a substitute.”

“That’s for a much, much later time,” he answered, before walking out of the studio.

Goku rubbed the back of his head. “I really need to say sorry to both Trunks and Vegeta,” he responded, “I’ve done some really bad things these few months.”

“And to me!” Bulma yelled, “You very nearly tore our family apart, Goku!”

“Sorry!” he responded, “But I really need to go to Vegeta now, since with the whole news of the pregnancy and all.” He saluted the two of them and pressed his two fingers to his forehead. “See ya!”

He popped out of existence, and Bulma was left with both Trunks and Goten.

“So?” she teased, “When’s the wedding?”

“What are you talking about, Mom?” Trunks asked with irritation, “We’re not even dating.”

“Oh?” she teased, “You told me a little while ago before we started the show that you were hoping it would be Goten as the father. You still hold a torch for him, right?”

Goten looked at him curiously. “Do you?”

Trunks pursed his lips. “Maybe. You were the one who was always there in the beginning.”

“And…?”

He turned slightly pink. “Maybe we start this over again. Without the whole drama and hopping between guys. I was frankly getting tired of that, to be honest.”

“Then how about we go back to the beginning? Clean slate. Put all this behind us and let Camie know she’s got not one, but two dads who’ll love her.”

“You know what? I’d like that, ‘Ten. I’d really like that.”

“We can also laugh at my dad fumbling to fix his mistakes while having to deal with your pregnant dad.”

“Oh boy, now THAT is entertainment you can’t pay for.” They both burst into laughter, Camie giggling as well. Trunks handed Camie over towards Goten. “Here. You at least get the right to hold her.”

“I knew I was right!” he exclaimed, holding the squirming and giggling child above him, “She looks exactly like me in the face. There’s also the chance that she could’ve been Dad’s, but ever since I found out about your pregnancy, I knew it was mine. No doubt about it.”

“All right, lovebirds,” Bulma directed them, “Go home and do what you have to do. I’ll take care of Camie in the meantime.”

Both boys looked at her. “What?”

She smirked. “I know you two are going to having make-up sex afterwards, and leave my poor granddaughter alone while you two screw. Just be sure you two don’t make another child so soon.” She reached over for the giggling child, and snatched her from them. “I’ll be expecting you two for the party later on tonight. Don’t show up with too much of a limp.”

“MOM!”

“And Goten, keep my son on a tight leash! Make sure he doesn’t spread his legs for another ever again!”

“Will do, Auntie!”

“I swear to Kami, you two are insufferable!”

Bulma and Goten laughed. Bulma walked towards her producers and assistants, with Camie in her arms, while the two men headed back home for presumably a few rounds of mind-numbing make-up sex. In a few years, they hoped, everyone involved moved on, and the situation with Camie and Trunks was all but forgotten from their minds.

It really doesn’t get any better than this, right?


End file.
